Discovering Strength in Sorrow: My Journey to Respecting the Transformative Power of Grief
- Tina Bailey
- Dec 15, 2023
- 6 min read
My Introduction to Grief and the Holiday Blues
During my grief journey, I unexpectedly discovered the transformative strength in sorrow, which had always eluded me. In fact, I never appreciated or understood the spirit of grief or the "holiday blues." I read about them on social media, especially around the holidays, and I've heard people talk about grief. Still, I have never really appreciated that "spirit" until now. Even after my Dad died, the spirit didn't hit me.
Reflecting on My Father's Passing
I loved my Daddy very much. I mourned his passing and still think about him often. I wish I had another opportunity to get it right with him. I want to let him know I forgave him years ago for some challenges we had in our past. I would want him to know that I appreciated the man, the Dad, the grandfather, the great-grandfather, and the husband he matured to be. I wish I could go back and be more patient and understanding of his stubbornness when he was sick. I wish for the opportunity to have hugged him more, and I wish I would have said I love you more before the cancer took his mind and emotions. But, despite all this, grief or the "holiday blues" never hit my heart. I managed to go about life without getting too emotionally worked up.
I WISH I HAD ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY
The Intensity of Grief After My Mother's Passing
But today, unlike so many days before, I am being hit with feelings and emotions that are gutting my insides like never before. My heart and my mind feel like they are disconnected, and I can't pull them together. I feel lost, yet found; I feel lonely, yet not alone. At times, I find myself crying out to God for the impossible, for something that won't ever happen – for Him to bring my Mama back to life physically. I am not doing the "she lives in your thoughts and your heart" very well. I need her physically present now, knowing that won't happen.
The Struggle with Unprecedented Emotions
Unlike my Dad's passing in February 2021, my mom's passing in August 2023 is bringing about different types of feelings that I can't define, understand, appreciate, or re-direct. Is this what grief feels like? Is this one of the definitions of "holiday blues?" It feels like an invisible drowning, but visibly, I am above water. 2020 – 2023 were three years of insurmountable losses that are trying to squeeze the life out of me by trying to kill my desire to live above the noise, by trying to re-direct my soul to a realm of self-pity, doubt, fear, and death, and by shifting my focus to walking by sight and not by faith. In three years, divorce, disease, and death, the 3 D's as I call them, were trying to impregnate me with emotions that I can't explain, let alone don't want to feel.
The Depth of My Pain
I cry out to God all the time about my mom. I miss her so much that my heart crumbles. It is with her passing that I believe I may be experiencing grief, or it could be the combination of events that are finally trying to overtake me. In the last three years, back-to-back, I have experienced levels of emotions that I can't articulate without starting to cry out in anger and hyperventilate. But one four-letter word defines the feelings I have been experiencing – PAIN. A pain that cuts at your very soul, and it is the type of pain that wants to take you out. Not so much physically, but mentally and emotionally. It is the type of “soulless" pain that leaves you void sometimes, fearful often, and angry all the time. You can't hide from this pain, and you certainly can't outrun it. If you are not careful, you can become very destructive and self-sabotaging without realizing what you are doing. It is this type of "I don't give a fuck" that leads to mental, emotional, and spiritual death. If this is grief, in all thy "grief," I have come to understand one thing – it is powerful, and it was trying to kill me.
Living with Grief in a New Home
In our new house, purchased in February 2023 (just for her), Mama would have celebrated the first of many special occasions: her 77th birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. She had so many plans for her firsts, but she didn't make it to see it through, and grief reminds me of that fact. I fight daily to live, and I don't mean just physically. The spirit of grief is trying to become a landing pad on my heart. And, if I lose heart, I lose life. I do life even though I don't know precisely the how, when, or the what, but I do know WHO – FATHER GOD. If I don't lose my faith and continue not walking by sight, I shall live and not die. Grief tries, and the holiday blues may not be far behind, but my answer to both is NO, not at this time. How do I do it?
I would go into immediate shutdown
The Battle Against Grief
I read about the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) and how to navigate each stage. Besides learning the obvious – grief is different for everyone, I learned one major lesson that has delivered me – I turned the timetable OFF. I am a Type A individual, so I gave myself time limits in which to cry, be angry, be sad, etc....…and anything past ten seconds was unacceptable. I would go into immediate shutdown and get to work doing anything that stopped me from thinking about or feeling sad. I also discovered something else while reading about the five stages of grief – my separation and subsequent divorce took me through all five stages (more than once) more than the death of my parents. In other words, I identified with the five stages more during the divorce journey than I did in losing my parents. And, hell no, I am not trying to figure out or understand why. Right now, I am in a good head space to give myself the freedom and the grace to feel, to get emotional, and not stop the clock after ten seconds.
So, how am I navigating this spirit of grief and the holiday blues? I take it one day at a time!
Top 10 Tips to Embracing Life One Day at a Time
My "one-day-at-a-time" navigation tips are:
I choose to live (made up mind - premature death is not an option)
Make a Dedication to Life: I've firmly committed to living each day to the fullest, leaving no room for thoughts of premature demise.
2. I thank God daily for the continued wake-up call (remain thankful and grateful to God)
Start a Gratitude Practice: I express daily gratitude to the Divine for the gift of life, constantly reminding myself to remain thankful and appreciative.
3. I walk by faith, not by sight (I believe in, and I am faithful to the Word of God)
Stand on a Faithful Belief: I navigate life with unwavering faith, placing my trust in the wisdom of the Word of God.
4. I press, I persevere, I pull (faith without works is dead)
Take Action and Faith: I actively pursue my goals, knowing that faith alone isn't enough, but faith combined with action can move mountains.
5. I call people who answer the phone (my inner circle is my lifeline when it becomes overwhelming)
Connect with a Support System: My inner circle serves as my lifeline when life gets overwhelming, and I make it a point to reach out and connect with them.
6. I stopped comparing myself to others (in all thy getting, get understanding - everyone's journey is different)
Avoid Comparisons: I refrain from comparing my journey with others, understanding that each person's path is unique.
7. I read and research (I don't pretend to know or understand it all, so I study)
Embrace Continuous Learning: I am committed to lifelong learning, dedicating time to reading and research to expand my knowledge and wisdom.
8. I repent daily (I ask for forgiveness for falling short)
Seek Daily Repentance: Each day, I seek forgiveness for my shortcomings, acknowledging my imperfections.
9. I forgive myself and others (goes back to #8)
Extend Forgiveness Often: I extend forgiveness to both myself and others, understanding the importance of letting go and moving forward.
10. I extend grace and mercy to myself and others.
Show Grace and Mercy: I choose to offer grace and mercy not only to myself but also to those around me, promoting an environment of compassion and understanding.
Until the next grand reveal – in your grief journey, find transformative strenght in sorrow, and remember to Be Holy, Be Healthy, Be Happy, Be Whole and DO TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!
Written by: Tina Bailey
Friday, Dec. 15th, 2023
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